The ramblings in my head.....

I had a mirror put up in front of me last night and it showed that I am not as far along as I hoped I was in my journey to being an adult.
It hurt a lot to see that while I have gained experience in some areas, I am seriously lacking on others.
I have put up so many walls to protect myself, that now I have become afraid to do a lot of things that are so mundane to everyone else. A good friend said to me "all you have to do is just face your fears and cross that line" but I feel that because I have spent so much time putting up those walls around me to protect myself, that if I were to just let go, I would fall fast and hard and hurt things without anyone to catch me.
I know I need to face what scares me. As JFK says, "There is nothing to fear, but fear itself," but the link I am missing is how do I cross that line. I want to be able to just do it and that is the mind set I am going to have, but Rome wasn't built in a day. With one step at a time, I will make it though.
These are my new goals: relax, take things as they come, don't take things so personally, remind myself its not all about me, face my fears, a car is a car is a car, machines do not have a personality and if they are broken they can be fix   its just a machine.

Even with all this on my brain, I slept better last night then I have in a long time, I got a lot of my chest, I learned a lot of where I am, and I have a new approach on where I am going..
A good friend will be there for you when you need them, but a best friend will love you and push you to be better than what you are. Sometimes true love is someone who has more expectations of you than you have for yourself and helps you to achieve it because they believe in you and know you can be more.  

Guess What!!!  I accomplished my goal.. I went to the coffee shop yesterday where some people from LJ met up with me and we watched a cool live band and then the girl I was hanging with, who also just moved here from Phoenix, and I went to a nice bar and had a kick ass time...
We definitely hit it off and she reminded me a lot of my sister, a girl named Amy I know from Phoenix, and all my cool friends I had to leave..
It felt so good to just chill with a girl that wasn't about Drama and just over all so much fun to hang with.
 I am looking forward to meeting new friends and hanging out with her again..

I am going to try and get out of the house for a while today. There was is a coffee shop downtown here called A Gathering Grove. They have open mics, poetry readings and even some psychic readings on the right days.
I am going to go down there today and see if I cant mingle a little and meet some new people...
My goal is to meet and make one friend today.

Wish Me Luck!!!!!!

When I was about 16, I was a big gaming geek and my step-father asked me to pick a gaming name and gave me several books to read through and I went through a book of boys names in Welch  and Allowydd has always stuck out to me.
Later on I would learn that in one of my past lives I was names Allowydd and thats why the name stuck out. I was a girl then, but apparently Allowydd is a boy and girl name....

I had so many random thoughts running into my head and normally I do blog postings on facebook or myspace, but the one person I don't want to hear my vents is on both of those. Then I remembered I just joined LJ and I thought what better way to rant and rave about my life then to tell a bunch of strangers who don't know me.

I am new to Washington and in the few months I have been here I feel as if I have been just beaten to the curb.
That whole saying of be careful what you wish for is seriously biting me in the ass right now.
I moved here for a new job that was a promotion and more money than I was making before, the beautiful scenery, the nicer people and for a man who loves me. A year ago when I started planning this move, and I prayed for what I wanted, I was not very specific, I guess this was my problem.
I got the beautiful scenery and I keep hearing that the people are nicer are here, I mean I am not being lulled to sleep by rap music and gun shots, and the guy I am seeing does love me I guess....
But the thing is, since I got here, I had a few months of pure joy and then a kick to the gut that hurts more than I could have ever imagined.
I was laid off from the job 3 weeks ago and I havent a clue on where to begin looking for a job in this new place. I started the job as soon as I got here and commuted and worked 12 hours a day with no chance to look around, now I can look around and enjoy but the pressure of making my bills prevents me from driving and wasting gas when I have no idea where to go.
My first winter here was apparently one of the worst winter since the 60's and for this AZ girl it was hard, and its still not over yet.
One of my cats has been getting sick and I cant afford to take her to the vet, I am getting unemployment, but of course its not enough to cover all my bills so I am going to have to cancel my phone and my car insurance just to survive which means I wont be able to drive my car. I cant even afford to get a Washington Licence and plates right now.

The guy I am seeing is still technically married, though they have been seperated for over a year and I know that he loves me in his way, but his way is so painful to me. He goes through these withdrawl times where he wants me to leave him alone for days at a time and when we are together he loves me for a brief time and is just wonderful, then gets this "I am done playing with my toy" mentality.
I am going through a lot right now, but he is not an emotionally based guy, he is too damn logical, so its a waste of my time to open up to him to tell him how miserable and lonely I am here, and without him.
He tells me that the reason my relationships dont really work out is because I am just too emotional and guys don't like that. Am I so wrong to want to put my heart into something? Do love to wake up with some one next to me who opens there eyes and says good morning and loves the fact that they are waking up to me? Is it so too much to want to go out on dates or stayed curled up on a couch in sweats together? Or if I am home alone and he is home alone would be be so bad just to spend the time together?
This is me being too emotional I guess. I mean I put up enough with his array of shit, like leaving when his ex comes over to do her laundry or say no problem honey when he wants to go out to his garage band on Friday nights to hang with the guys and beat on his drums, I really don't have a problem with him doing this though most women would. Or when he calls me and says that he has been working too much and would like me to come over and help him clean his house and sticks me with his nasty two sink full of gross dishes which I do because I understand he does work hard. I am great with his kids and volunteer to watch them when he needs to go do something, knowing full well that his ex would have a conniption. And the freakin kicker to all of this is because his divorce isnt final yet NO ONE KNOWS I AM HIS GIRLFRIEND!!!! I play the good friend!!!! Oh have I mentioned that we will be together for 2 years officially in August. What the hell is wrong with me??? I am too emotoinal?? Tell me what other woman would put up with this array of shit.. But I do love him. We have a lot more history that what I have put down on here... I would like to have a future with him some day if he ends up pulling his head out of his ass.. And the kicker to this whole thing is he is all I have right now. Without the little emotion I get from him, I wouldnt have anything here in this foreign state..
I feel alone and sad right now. I am scared to death, having migraines and not sleeping very well at all at the though of loosing all I have. After my unemployment I am short about $400 a month to meet all my bills and that does not count food and gas...

Maybe I want too much out of life.. I look in the want ads and I see all these jobs open for RN's and Sr. Engineers and wondered how I could be one of them and it takes more school and money I dont have.
I talked to my dad a couple of days ago about me being short on my bills and he let me know that all 5 of his kids are not working right now. That was a low blow. I have worked my entire life not to be lumped in the same catagory as my siblings, my older sister who has been in and out of mental hospitals her whole life, my brother who is older than me who wasted so much of the families money on his crack addiction, my other sister who is having her second child and tells me its a good thing she is having a child because now she will have more assistants from the Government when she know that I have wanted a child my whole life and never had one because I could not support the child on my own, and my younger sister, the wander who has taken every opportunity ever given to her and thrown it away like it didn't even matter to her, even the love of a very good man who wanted nothing more than to love her and take care of her.
So my dad tells me that after paying his other kids there wasn't anything left over for me, the one who never asks for anything.....

I have a spine of jelly and would do almost anything anyone ever asks of me because I believe that they are my friends and family, they would do the same of me, but of course this theory has burned me more times that I could tell you about. I believe that a true friend will have your back and help you no matter what, even if my friends don't believe it. I believe that when you love some one there isn't anything you should hide or anything you wouldn't do for them, even if I have never felt this love from some one else.
There are a lot of things I loved that I gave up to move here for somethings I thought I would love a lot more, but its enough that its at least par with the problems I have had in the past. I dont want to give up on living here, I do love it here. When I get up in the morning and take my coffee on to the balcony and see the Cascade Mountains all around me with their snow peaks and the Seagulls and variety of wild life, I don't want to move back to AZ, but sometimes I have to wonder if it would be just easier....

I dont expect anyone to really read this... I don't expect any one to reply or comment on my ramblings, but it really felt good to at least get this out.. It would be nicer to tell it to the people I am upset with, it would be nicer to tell it to the guy I am seeing, it would be nicer to tell my siblings, but in the end it wouldnt really do any good. I am not just saying that because I am sad, I am saying it because of past experiences, it is just a waste of my time..... and it wouldn't matter any way they all know I have a spine full of jelly......

Good Question!!
I would say I have top 2 in my life. The first one was picking up and moving away from my friends and family in Arizona to move to Washington for a new job promotion. Unfortunately I was laid of from my new job due to lack of work, but it gave me the motivation I needed to move from a place I hated, but I miss my family and friends.
The second one was joining a band called AEO, I was lead singer for a time and we played in coffee shops and at a Folk Festival in Flagstaff Arizona. My best friend and my boyfriend both pushed me to get up on that stage, but I had the courage to stay on it.
I had to give up the band to move to Washington, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever done and I miss it greatly.
Both of these things have made me a much stronger person today, and I would only change one thing, enjoy more of my time with Aeo knowing now that it didn't last near long enough....
 

I would be a world famous singer. Traveling all over the world but only performing on my schedule.

There are two places that have always been the most magical to me, Coronado California and anywhere in Ireland.

Two have already chosen me. The Possum and the Grackle Bird (cousin to the crow).  I had kinda hoped for a cool one like a Lion, but of course the intelligent creatures found me.

I would pay off all my debts, then pay off all my friends so we all can live in some kind of peace. Of course this is always the rants that we have. Too many bills and not enough money to survive.

Legal age should be 21, by then you have had plenty of time to see how you screwed up in school and screw up your credit and have a chance for a do over

"In this life you need three things: a wishbone, a funny bone and a backbone"  Reba McEntire

  Hi!
I moved to Everett about 6 months ago for a job and I am learning my way around very slowly, but one thing that is moving way to slow for me is meeting new friends. I am an out going Leo, but I am not the "meet someone at a bar" type.
I wanted to know if there was a good place to meet some new and lasting friendships out here. I have tried not to let the weather effect me much, but I am afraid that if I keep myself isolated much more, it could start having an effect on me.
Any suggestions would be wonderful....

Thanks!
Amber N. Everett